Monday, December 20, 2010

Epic

I haven't updated in a while, so I thought I'd just post to say that my brother and my mom's boyfriend are now running around the house having an epic nerf-gun war. The Nutckracker/Waltz of the Flowers (you need to youtube it to get the idea here) is blasting from our speakers. Fitting music? I think so.

Also, Merry Christmas.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

My Cat is an Attention-Craving Scene Kid

My parents are divorced, and I spend half of my time at my mom's house and half of the time at my dad's house. My dad is usually at his girlfriend's house when I'm not there, which leaves my cat all by himself for most of the week. As a result, he happily comes to socialize whenever we're home. However, weekends and a few afternoons just aren't enough for him.

The only other possible time he can be near me is when I'm sleeping. He comes and lays in my bed all night. A lot of people would think that's sweet, or adorable, or really really cute. No. You are wrong. It's not "really really cute". It's his way of craving attention.

I've come to think of him as one of those extremely scene/emo girls who dye their hair neon colors and puff it up until they look like hedgehogs, then apply loads of eyeliner and mascara and eyeshadow so that they look like raccoons, and then dress in either all black or highlighter-bright colors that burn your retinas and give people seizures. He has an entire strategy to seek a response from me, when he could just lay down and be soft and cuddly like any normal cat. But no. He has to go through a routine. Every single night.

Step 1: Stealthily sneak in through the door. Don't meow. Be sneaky.

Step 2: Is the girl in the bed?
No- Search for her.
Yes- Sneak up to the edge of the bed, then jump up in her face when she least expects it and purr loudly.

Step 3: Look cute while settling yourself on her stomach/ribcage. If she groans and tries to push you off, you have succeeded.

Step 4: Place your paws on the nearest possible area that is not covered by blanket. Knead vigorously while purring and drooling profusely.

Step 5: Continue to do so until she pulls the blanket up to cover her skin from your claws. Then, move up ever so slightly and begin kneading again.

Step 6: Repeat steps 4-5 until there is no visible area left that the blanket is not covering. Be sure to knead on her face, too. Don't spare any space at all. After you have succeeded in this, leave to room and go to do cat things.

Step 7: Return anywhere between 3 and 4 AM. Her head will have migrated from out of the covers by now and she will be in a deep state of sleep. You can sneak up onto the bed unnoticed.

Step 8: Position yourself directly in front of her face. One of her arms will most likely be underneath it; Place your paws on the arm and knead with your claws out. Purr loudly and make your eyes extremely big; concentrate on face.

Step 9: If she starts to twitch with irritation, you have done well. You are almost to the part where you win and get attention. Keep going! Next, slowly inch your face closer... and closer... and closer...

Step 10: Eventually, your nose will contact with her eye and/or forehead. In her semiconscious state, she will suddenly flinch backwards and groan loudly. Don't let this deter you, though. Repeat again and again. Perseverance will get you to your goal.

Step 11: Improvise. Meow loudly, lick her, drool on her. You can even try walking back and forth across her thighs. Don't be afraid to get creative here!

Step 12: Girl will eventually get fed up with your constant pestering. This is the turning point. Put on the cutest, most innocent face you can muster. Now she will judge you; You are either worthy of attention, or not. If yes, she will pick you up and move you to a more favorable position. If no (more likely), she will violently shove you off the bed. By now, all hope is lost. Return to your kitchen sanctuary and await food.

Step 13: Repeat until desired results are achieved.